I drove to Starbucks this morning with every intention of buying a regular coffee; no bells, no whistles. But by the time I got out of my car, I had convinced myself that I should at least add an espresso shot. Simply to avoid being snubbed by the barista who will otherwise disdainfully slop my 'just coffee' into its cup as penance for sullying the atmosphere of her high end establishment with my obvious lack of taste. By the time I left, my bill was $5.83 for the grande macchiato and old fashioned donut that peer pressure made me buy.
And that's weird because I'm an eighties baby, raised on after school specials, and I know that the cool kid should never be able to make me feel like shit for not buying any of her drugs. I've been prepared, since grade school, to 'Just Say No' when offered a hit of crack, but I can't even manage to make eye contact with the chubby bitch behind the counter at the local Starbucks.
Where's the friendly eighties TV personality to tell me how to act in this situation? Starbucks needs a fucking PSA. A bespectacled twenty something school teacher in last year's Old Navy sidles nervously up to a Starbucks counter and asks for a regular coffee in a timid voice while staring at her shoes. Then the snotty hipster barista raises an eyebrow and asks in a loud, mocking tone, "A large Coffee? Is that all?" And the camera zooms in for a montage of cackling faces as the patrons and baristas point and deride the poor school teacher until she bursts into tears.
Then, the action will freeze and Bob Saget will walk onscreen to give a little speech about the power of addiction and the billions of dollars corporations spend to tie their customer's sense of self worth to their ability to buy their products. And then the picture will blip to snow and then to the orange 'broadcast interruption' screen because the commercial was pulled from the air at the request of nearly every major corporation.
And that's weird because I'm an eighties baby, raised on after school specials, and I know that the cool kid should never be able to make me feel like shit for not buying any of her drugs. I've been prepared, since grade school, to 'Just Say No' when offered a hit of crack, but I can't even manage to make eye contact with the chubby bitch behind the counter at the local Starbucks.
Where's the friendly eighties TV personality to tell me how to act in this situation? Starbucks needs a fucking PSA. A bespectacled twenty something school teacher in last year's Old Navy sidles nervously up to a Starbucks counter and asks for a regular coffee in a timid voice while staring at her shoes. Then the snotty hipster barista raises an eyebrow and asks in a loud, mocking tone, "A large Coffee? Is that all?" And the camera zooms in for a montage of cackling faces as the patrons and baristas point and deride the poor school teacher until she bursts into tears.
Then, the action will freeze and Bob Saget will walk onscreen to give a little speech about the power of addiction and the billions of dollars corporations spend to tie their customer's sense of self worth to their ability to buy their products. And then the picture will blip to snow and then to the orange 'broadcast interruption' screen because the commercial was pulled from the air at the request of nearly every major corporation.
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